It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
third nipple confirmed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
