i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
