none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
