I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
