I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
