how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
