I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
