I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
