I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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