Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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