someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
