Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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