There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
