She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My cat gives me a boner
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
