Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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