At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
