my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That accounts for only three of the penises
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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