I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
