he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
