it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
