Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
