toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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