Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
