The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
