just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
