I hate your face
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
