I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
