you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
