He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
