I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
