last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
