I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
