so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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