he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
