why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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