i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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