He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
