I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
