You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
