a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
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I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
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Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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