Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
