There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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