we should wear snuggies to the strip club
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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