worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
