Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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