do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
