i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
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I won't be able to get a boner for a month
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)