I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.