Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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