so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
People in love make me want to vomit
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
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its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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