Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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