You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
