My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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