I met the friendliest cop last night
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
