Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We left the knife in your bed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
