I hate your face
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
