i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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