She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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