there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
