i will never coherently bang her
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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